Fus Ro…I don't know the third word yet
Skyrim is among us. Its amazing. You probably didn’t even need me to tell you that at this point, but I will anyway. Some are saying Game of the Year, which is nice, but why not go for the gold? How do we make this thing “Best Game Ever”? You don’t just hand out a crown like that without some extensive consideration for other great games that have come before it. What’s the best way to determine who’s the greatest? Why a battle royale between each game on its own terms of course. Read on to see if Skyrim can take the belt!
Round 1 – Skyrim vs. Diablo
Let's see, I'm in hell surrounded by lava, no town portal…fuuuuu…
Diablo sports an array of randomly generated dungeons and thousands of common, rare and legendary item drops from monsters. Skyrim sports hundreds of hand-crafted dungeons and boatloads of useless crap lying around houses and castles to steal.
Now on paper these games sound really similar, but once they get into the ring it becomes very apparent that they have almost nothing in common. Diablo requires spreadsheets to create a great character, does not allow for missteps in skill choices and requires constant supervision of one’s inventory. Those thousands of white-text, common items ultimately become cumbersome and too much hassle to pick-up. I don’t care how many Horadric Cubes you brought along, you shouldn’t need an inventory for your inventory just to keep an extra iron bolt.
Yo dawg, I heard you play Diablo…
Skyrim on the other hand allows you to level up your character in whatever fashion you desire, you want to be a lock-picking battle mage? Go for it. What about a heavily armored vampire d-bag? Why not. You can’t beat that kind of customization. Plus your character can defy the very laws of physics by placing any number of objects, no matter the size, into an invisible backpack as long as the weight of said objects is smaller than your “capacity”. Beat that Horadric Cube!
Skyrim Wins!
Round 2 – Skyrim vs. Assassin’s Creed II
Hey Steve, why the heck are we standing all the way up here anywa-OH GOD!
Assassin’s Creed II sports an open-world set in real-life locations such as Venice and Florence and allows players to creatively sneak around and take out their opponents with a wide variety of gadgets. Skyrim sports an open-world set in Fantasy Land and lets players level up a “Sneak” skill and gives 3 different options for assassinations: backstab, stab-in-sleep or poison (not an official feature, but face-stab seems to work pretty well too).
While Assassin’s Creed may sport a compelling historic sci-fi plot with some well-drawn characters, its real fun lies in sneaking around and pouncing on enemies when they least expect it, using hidden blades, smoke bombs and super-historically-accurate wind gliders (that work!).
Dude this totally worked in Wild Wild West
Maybe Skyrim doesn’t have as many gadgets, but who needs them? All one needs to do is sneak around a friendly town a few times and they’ve maxxed out their Sneak skill, which means you are pretty much invisible to the naked eye, despite standing directly in front of people. I don’t see Ezio gettin’ away with that in front of the pope.
Skyrim Wins!
Round 3 – Skyrim vs. Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Deus Ex…MACHINA!
Human Revolution is a throw-back to the cult-classic Deus Ex, which lets players approach a level many different ways – brute force, stealth, talking your way in, etc. But remember, your actions will have far-reaching consequences and no decision is black or white.
Everybody knows the hardest bosses in any game are the ones you have to….talk…to….
Skyrim lets you do whatever the fuck you want and get away with everything.
Skyrim Wins!
Round 4 – Skyrim vs. Call of Duty
I had no idea I looked good in a mohawk, until I realized I had one on the WHOLE TIME
The Call of Duty franchise features epic, scripted single player campaigns and a robust multiplayer suite that keeps players coming every night for more. It also features a super-knife that kills instantly and teleports players through the space-time continuum to their enemies.
Skyrim features an optional storyline with hundreds of hours of optional side-quests and no multiplayer. But Skyrim has dragons, so suck it.
Yea…try takin THAT down with your damn AT4s
Skyrim Wins!
Round 5 – Skyrim vs. Mario
Looks like somebody ate a mushroom…
The Mario franchise sports a short, fat, Italian plumber dressed in overalls who jumps on enemies to kill them with his considerable weight. Sometimes he puts on a hat with wings on it…
Skyrim Wins!
Round 6 – Skyrim vs. Rock Band
I like how literally no one is watching the screen…
Rock Band features a set of tiny plastic instruments that you and your friends can team up with to pretend like you’re in a band.
Skyrim lets you sing along to the main theme music and generally feel like a badass.
Skyrim Wins!
Round 7 – Skyrim vs. FarmVille
No.
Skyrim Wins!
Round 8 – Skyrim vs. Minecraft
SO EPIC
Minecraft is the little indie game that could and allows players to explore an infinite virtual sandbox, letting players place blocks wherever they like as they would with virtual LEGOs. The game is consistently updated with new content and allows players to build the creations of their dreams.
Skyrim has a limited world that cannot be physically altered or changed. The game is consistently updated to make sure it doesn’t crash on you all the time.
Oh and Minecraft has dragons now….
Uh oh, forgot my EVERYTHING
…but they don’t fly backwards:
Skyrim Wins!
Round 9 – Skyrim vs. Tetris
Yea! Falling blocks are cool!
Tetris is a classic example of retro video games that will likely be around forever. Its formula of dropping randomly shaped blocks to clear out the bottom and continually survive has withstood the test of time and continues to be played by millions world-wide.
Skyrim lets you stack random bodies on top of one another as you slay townspeople over and over again. The bodies don’t disappear or anything like Tetris, but I just wanted to mention how awesome that is.
"So this guard was all like 'you're coming with me' and I was all like 'oh yea? FUS RO DAH!' and he….oh shit I think I just killed everyone again…."
Skyrim Wins!
Round 10 – The Final Round – Skyrim vs. Other Bethesda Games
Its like Elder Scrolls, but not!
Other Bethesda games before Skyrim have featured deep leveling systems, loads of items to steal and loot, sprawling worlds to explore and hundreds of hours of side-missions.
Skyrim features all of the above PLUS a new meme we can all enjoy:
